


what holds the universe together

by IndianaJo



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Finn-centric, Force-Sensitive Finn, M/M, Post TFA, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Slow Burn, TLJ doesn't exist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-03-31 07:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13969980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndianaJo/pseuds/IndianaJo
Summary: Finn has spent his entire life being trained by the First Order. Now that he has broken free, he has to slowly readjust to living a life where he has choices and where he needs answers to the questions that start burning in his mind. Where does he come from? What kind of person is he? Why was he able to leave? What does the universe want from him?What does he want from the universe?





	what holds the universe together

**Author's Note:**

> I know nothing about anything my dudes, I have only seen the movies and read a bunch of comics, so just consider this fic canon-divergent to spare us all the pain of me being super oblivious about all the canon material out there.
> 
> Character tags will be updated as they appear in later chapters.
> 
> If you have any questions about this my tumblr is goshzillas.

_FN-2187 is one of many._

_They all wear the same armor, white and sterile and their helmet expressionless. They all stand at attention, their blaster close to their chest. FN-2187 can’t see how many are standing at his left or right side or how many rows are standing in front of him, but he knows he is just one gear in this well-oiled machinery._

_His armor is too tight, cutting into his ankles and wrists and it’s too warm under there. He can’t seem to breath. Even as he wants to gasp for air he stands still, waiting for order. His knees are weak and still he is standing still._

_Any moment now, the others will start noticing his struggles. They will notice the blaster in his hand shaking and his legs trembling. Their heads will turn and out him as defective._

_There is a rhythmic monotone sound thrumming in the background that FN-2187 recognizes as a heartbeat; the collective noise of a thousand hearts and more beating in unison. And there is his own, loud and wild, racing in his chest together with his thoughts._

_Broken. Sick. Wrong._

_Different. Different._

_Different._

_The armor feels even smaller now, but FN-2187 doesn’t dare to shed it, because figures are moving down the line with echoing steps, inspecting their soldiers. He holds his breath, but his heart beats so loudly. He doesn’t know how no one has heard it yet, how no one has noticed the one sound that doesn’t fall into the rhythm._

_The Captain walks past the soldiers at his side. Four away. Three away. Two. Under his mask, FN-2187 closes his eyes._

_The steps halt in front of him._

_‘No’, he thinks, hysterically. ‘I’m like you. Move on. Move on. Please.’_

_His head is swimming. Blood is rushing in his ears, so loudly that he can barely hear anything else. In his chest, his heart beats louder, stronger, a traitor that wants him to be found. Between his ribs he can feel the universe, vast and endless and cold and dead. He feels as if he is going to burst from the weight of it._

_And, above it all, the Captain’s voice cuts through the air, hard like steel: “This one is in need of reconditioning.”_

_FN-2187 tries to protest, but his throat is too tight and his helmet is suffocating him and when he is grabbed by guards with faceless masks, their grip is as unyielding as the Captain’s voice. They take him away from the group and into a room that is white and sterile with nothing but a metal table in the middle._

_He doesn’t know when he lost his armor, but it’s gone now and yet he still can’t breathe freely. The cold metal burns on his back when he is pushed on the table._

_“Delete as much as you can”, the Captain says. “I want any traces of his misdemeanor wiped.”_

_Somewhere, in the back of his mind, there is a girl with a freckled face, lips split into a smile. There is a man with dark, tousled hair, the warmth of an embrace. There are faces, so many of them._

_‘No’, his treacherous heart whispers in his chest. ‘No. This is mine and it will not be taken from me.’_

_But he can’t move and as something touches his temples, his last thought belongs to the group of identical masks in white armor._

_He is one of them. One of many._

_He will be a number again._

 

 

 

Finn wakes with a startle.

He is lying on his back in a room he doesn’t recognize, connected to some equipment just out of his field of vision and he can’t move. For a few seconds, panic seeps through his body. Biting his lip, he holds his breath and listens for footsteps, convinced that any second now someone will come in to continue procedure.

Then his vision clears and Finn realizes that the room isn’t the harsh white of the one in his dream but rather a softer cream color, and that he actually can move, but his body hurts in protest when he does.

Still, he slowly turns his head to take a look at the machinery he has been hooked up to, when he notices the droid standing next to it. It’s the clunkiest one he has ever seen, so old that he doesn’t even recognize the model – basically just a big box with a second, smaller box attached on top of it and a round sensor. The name etched into the metal casing reads W33-1S.

Before Finn can make any other observations, the sensor of W33-1S lights up in a calming blue. “Good morning, Finn.” The droid’s voice is pleasant and soft, but they pronounce the words with a strange disconnect, putting a pause between each of them, as if searching for every word anew instead of forming full sentences. This droid must be very old indeed. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m...I’m good. Where am I?” The out of date droid is what truly calms Finn. He knows the sort of technology the First Order is using and they would never have need for a droid like this, but he still doesn’t know his exact surroundings.

W33-1S at least confirms his suspicions. “You are on D’Qar. This is the medical bay. I am here to aid your recovery.”

Right. At least the medical part he had already figured out. There are some things coming back to him now, too – a dark sky and a snowy forest and Kylo Ren in his black robes, lightsaber ready. He remembers Rey, laying in the snow, motionless. He remembers fighting and he remembers the pain.

That would explain what happened to his back.

But he’s alone in this room, except for the medical droid. Does this mean that Rey had already recovered? Is she alright? He is here now, so that means someone had to get them off the base and the fact that D’Qar still exists tells him that they had been successful in their plan to foil the First Order’s attack.

So Rey has to be alright. She does, doesn’t she?

“Is there someone you would like for me to call?”, the droid interrupts his thoughts.

“Rey”, he says, without even thinking about it twice.

There is a moment of silence. Then, W33-1S’s light blinks softly. “I am sorry. I do not know ‘Rey’. Is there someone you would like for me to call?”

That’s alright, Finn tells himself. That doesn’t need to mean anything. Rey hadn’t even been to the Resistance base before, so maybe this droid just hadn’t met her yet. “Poe Dameron”, he tries again.

Again, a soft blinking. “I am sorry. Commander Dameron is currently not available. Is there someone you would like for me to call?”

Finn’s concern is starting to grow back into a slight panic. No Rey or Poe? What does ‘currently not available’ mean? Even as he can feel himself growing more tense, he tries to make sense of it. Maybe Poe is just asleep – it’s hard to tell the time in a room without windows.

Who else is there?

His thoughts wander to Han, but with painful clarity he remembers that there will be no use in calling for him. “Chewbacca?”

“I am sorry, but Captain Chewbacca is currently not available. Is there someone you would like for me to call?”

He is starting to hate this damn blue light.

With a groan, Finn lets his head fall back onto the pillow, desperately focusing on his frustration instead of his fear. He thinks about asking for Leia, but doesn’t quite dare to call the General of the entire Resistance to his bedside. “Can you answer me a few questions?”, he asks instead.

“I am here to aid your recovery”, W33-1S replies pleasantly.

“Right. The Starkiller Base...did we win? Was it destroyed?”

“I am sorry. My database has not officially been updated with information about this event.”

Finn is close to sitting up and throwing the pillow, pain be damned, but W33-1S’s soft voice continues. “However, pilots that have been visiting you have been talking about a victory. That is all the information I have.”

The idea that he had visitors is a new thought for Finn and puzzled by it he turns to the side. “Someone visited me?”

The top of W33-1S’s head slowly opens like a lid, revealing a small screen that first turns white and then displays a list of names. The droid rolls closer to the bed to let Finn take a look. There are dates written on the left which tell Finn that he must have been unconscious for roughly ten days; next to them are the names listed of each person that has visited him that day. He recognizes Poe’s name repeating several times throughout the list and General Leia’s twice and there are a few names that are foreign to him, but right on top at the very first spot it says ‘unidentified visitor’.

“Rey”, he whispers. It has to be.

The relief feels freeing. Of course he still has no proof that it truly is Rey, but there is a small whisper inside of his chest telling him that she is alive, with a certainty almost as if he has seen her sitting next to him. He has felt like this before, when he lit the lightsaber in battle as if he had been carrying it around for years.

Maybe it’s not based on logic, but Finn believes this knowledge to be true regardless - it’s hard to argue with himself about it and this is much more comfortable than being afraid his friend might be dead.

The droid lowers their screen again and Finn sinks back against his pillow. “Thank you, W33. I really...thanks.”

The blue light blinks in confirmation. “Are there any other concerns you want to take care of or should I call the nurse?”

Now that W33 mentions it, it does strike Finn as odd that he hasn’t seen a nurse around yet. He just somehow hadn’t questioned it. Hearing that the droid hasn’t called for one as soon as he woke up seems strange, certainly ineffective. “I thought you were the nurse, honestly.”

“I am a medical assistant”, W33-1S says pleasantly. Their voice might be a little monotone, but the tone is soothing enough that Finn actually finds himself starting to enjoy it. “My task is to assist you, the patient, in your recovery. Your comfort is my highest priority. Unless you are at great risk and in immediate need of medical treatment, you get an acclimatization period of at least two hours. Many patients find that being able to talk to their relatives after waking up or being able to change their appearance before being seen by official staff greatly reduces their stress levels and feelings of helplessness or unease.”

The droid quiets, as if waiting for Finn to comment on this information, but he is too surprised to find any words at all. This isn’t his first time at a medical bay, but all he remembers from previous visits -at facilities of the First Order of course- is feeling hazy and sluggish as people in uniform stood over him, talking in muted voices while droids next to them assisted with syringes and other tools.

When his silence draws out, W33-1S pipes up again, as patiently as before. “Are there any other concerns you want to take care of or should I call the nurse?”

“Uhm”, Finn says, still taken aback, before he finally gets a hold of himself. The only thing of importance he can think of is to quickly lift his covers and check if he is dressed. As it turns out, the clothes he had been wearing have been taken off -he can’t see them anywhere in the room- and instead he is dressed in a simple white shirt and white, knee-long pants. Acceptable enough. “Yes. Do that. Call a nurse.”

There is no visible or audible confirmation, but the droid’s light turns off and they go quiet. Just when Finn is starting to get worried, the door slides open with a small hiss and someone who Finn identifies as the mentioned nurse enters the room.

She looks young, painfully so – he can’t imagine she is much older than Rey. Quietly, Finn wonders how long she has been fighting for the Resistance already, how much of her life she has sacrificed to help end a war that she probably didn’t want in the first place.

He doesn’t recognize her race either. Her eyes have no visible pupils, they’re entirely teal and there are four of them, two where he would expect them to sit in her face and then another pair where a human’s cheekbones would be. But her smile is gentle and she seems genuinely happy to see him awake. “Good morning, Finn. It’s good to finally really meet you. My name is Thalia.” There is something else in her voice besides professional niceness, something Finn can’t quite place, but he smiles back all the same.

She joins him by his bedside, checks machinery and fluids and finally turns to take a better look at him. “Feel free to tell me if you’re feeling uncomfortable”, she says before shining a light into his eyes, which is pretty uncomfortable if Finn is being completely fair, but he also doesn’t dare to take her up on the offer.

Whatever it is she is looking for, she seems content with what she finds, because Thalia steps back and asks him to move his hands, which he does, and then his feet, which he also manages and then she asks him a ton of questions, mostly related to whatever pain he is feeling in various body parts. By the end of it, Finn’s head is swimming. He can’t remember ever being asked so much during a medical exam.

But Thalia isn’t done yet. “Do you have any questions regarding your medical status?”, she asks, giving him an expectant look.

Now that is a question Finn has never heard before. “Can I walk?”, he asks, because truth to be told that is the most pressing thought on his mind in this moment. He has barely been awake for an hour and already he is tired of just lying in this bed.

Thalia’s smile is calming. “You will be able to walk, yes, but for now it would be best not to overdo it. Give it a few more days of rest and then we’ll let you walk around under supervision, alright?”

That is not awful news, but it’s also not the news Finn has been hoping for. His lack of excitement must be visible on his face, because Thalia laughs softly. “It’s only for a few more days and to prevent further injury. If you want to, I can try and organize a hover chair for you to move around in, so you will at least not be stuck in be-.”

“Yes, please.” That answer is over his lips so quickly that Thalia can’t even finish her sentence, but she gives him an understanding smile.

“I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, you should probably catch a little more sleep. There is nothing more healing than that.” She reaches over to start disconnecting the tubes that had been feeding him until now. “Now that you’re awake we can also get you food again, so I will organize something for you. If there is anything else you need, don’t hesitate to tell W33-1S and they will call me or one of the other nurses available.”

Her words make Finn slowly relax and for the first time since he woke up he actually feels calm and safe. His dream is a distinct memory now, he is being taken care of here and so far both the droid and the nurse have shown nothing but kindness towards him. It’s as if a worry he didn’t even know he had is finally lifting from his mind and he realizes that he will be alright.

“Do you know what happened to Rey or Poe?”, he asks, trying to calm that curious part of his mind as well. “I tried calling for them but neither of them were available.”

For the first time Thalia looks less cheery and Finn is about to get worried, when she says “I just...I’m not sure if I am allowed to talk about these kind of things.” The sudden insecurity makes her look even younger and Finn feels a flash of sympathy for her.

“I don’t need to know what they’re doing exactly”, he reassures her. Apparently it’s something important though. “I just want to know if they’re alright. I already know Poe visited me, but...”

“They were both here after the battle”, Thalia confirms. “And they both looked very much alright. Worried about you, but they themselves were fine.”

Finn has suspected as much from the visitor’s log W33 had shown him, but to hear it from another person’s mouth somehow seems to make it more real. The confirmation that Rey, too, is fine quiets the last of his anxiety and, much calmer now, he leans back against his pillows. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Thalia is back at smiling and now that Finn is calm enough to concentrate on things other than his most pressing worries he notices how tired she looks underneath that friendliness. Quietly, he wonders how many nurses there are at the Resistance to help them out.

“I will get you something to eat and then try to find one of those hover chairs for you”, she says. “If you have trouble resting I could also give you something to make you more tired.”

“That won’t be necessary”, Finn says, not interrupting her this time but still too quickly for his own liking. He doesn’t exactly want to let her know that he’d rather not fall asleep again. Despite all the niceness shown to him, the things he sees in his dreams still feel too private to share. “I’m pretty exhausted, actually.”

If Thalia can see through his lie, she doesn’t show it. “That’s no surprise”, she says instead. “For a body to heal, it takes a lot of energy.” She gives him an encouraging look. “You’ll be fine soon, you’ll see. Now, let me get you some food. I’ll be right back.” On her way out she taps the top of W33-1S and the droid beeps softly back at her.

Thalia keeps her promise. She returns not too long after, carrying a tray with several small portions of different kind of food and before she leaves she encourages him once more to call her whenever he needs something.

Finn plays with the thought of asking her to stay so he has someone to talk to for a moment, but he is sure her presence is needed otherwise, so he concentrates on eating his food, only now realizing how much he has been starving. His plan had been to distract himself with it for as long as possible, but he ends up wolfing most of it down in a matter of minutes.

Having a full stomach actually turns out to be pretty tiring after all. Finn starts losing track of time as he starts slipping in and out of an easy, dreamless sleep, unaware of how much time has passed whenever he startles awake. When he doesn’t sleep, there isn’t much for him to do but to look around the room. Quickly, he has grown accustomed with the interior – he has counted the bolts on W33’s exterior several times as well as the tubes connecting to the machinery next to him, even though he isn’t using them anymore.

It’s almost worse than worrying. Just as he feels like the boredom is going to kill him, W33-1S’s blue sensor lights up next to his bed. “Commander Dameron is now available”, they inform him gently.

Finn feels all weariness fall off him. He sits up so quickly that his head is swimming and his back hurts in protest. The droid makes a noise in protest and obediently Finn lays down again, but the excitement doesn’t fade. “Call him!”, he says, almost afraid that if he doesn’t act immediately he will miss his chance and Poe will be gone again. “Call him now!”

“Commander Dameron has been called to your room”, the droid replies.

It takes a few minutes only, although to Finn they feel like hours, but then Poe bursts through the door with BB-8 quickly behind him. “Finn!” There is genuine happiness on Poe’s face. He leans down to squeeze his shoulder but notices the other wincing and quickly pulls back. Still, the pilot stays right next to his bed, obviously not sure what to do with his body so his hand just curls around the edge of Finn’s bed. “I’m so glad to see you awake. We were all worried about you, buddy!” Before Finn can ask who ‘all’ is, Poe continues. “Everyone is so excited to see you! After we got Starkiller Base, we just...”

He interrupts himself, holding up one finger to signaling Finn that he is quickly pausing and recollecting and pulls a chair close so he can settle next to his bed.

In that time BB-8 rolls up to the bed too, giving a bunch of hard to understand, but obviously very happy chirps and beeps. When Finn responds with a thumbs-up, BB-8 whistles and does a little twirl on the floor.

“Alright”, Poe says from his chair, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Important things first. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty beat”, Finn admits. “I had nothing to do except to stare at the ceiling for hours. My caretaker is not exactly exciting company.” He nods in W33-1S’s direction.

With a small laugh, Poe scratches at his chin. “Yeah, I can imagine. We thought you’d probably need your own room to recover, but we don’t exactly have the staff to have someone look over you at all times. W33 might not be a great conversationist, but they’re reliable and very thorough when it comes to reading vital signs. As far as caretakers go, there isn’t a better one. What about your injury?”

“Well, I’m not allowed to move much, so I guess it still needs time to heal.” Finn gives a little shrug, trying to not let his frustration at the situation show. It’s not Poe’s fault after all. “What about you? Did you get hurt?” Poe seems fine, even better, actually – the injury he carried on his face when they met looks mostly healed up, but of course that doesn’t need to mean anything. “And what about Rey? I tried seeing her, but W33 said they wouldn’t know her and Thalia said she was here but couldn’t tell me where she had gone...“

“Rey is fine”, Poe interrupts him, before Finn can talk himself further into his worries. “W33 doesn’t know her, because she isn’t part of the database of Resistance fighters, but she took the Millennium Falcon and went to search for Luke Skywalker. I think she would have liked for you to come with her, but time is of the essence here.” He hums in thought, giving his droid companion a glance. “Actually, she left a message with BB-8 for you. They can stay with you a little longer after I’m gone and play it for you, if you want to.”

At the news, Finn’s eyes flick over to BB-8, who makes a dutiful sound. “Why not now?”

“Well...” Poe seems to not know whether to be embarrassed or amused, but finally he just reaches over to rest one hand on Finn’s knee. “It is meant for your ears and I would feel like an intruder listening to a private message, honestly. Also, BB is taking their job as message guardian very seriously. You can tell me about it afterwards, if you’d like.”

Finn hesitates, torn between wanting to listen to Rey’s message as soon as possible and not wanting Poe to leave just yet. Finally though he gives a small nod and a smile towards the droid, before deciding to change the subject. “And you? W33 said you were...unavailable and I was worried that meant something...bad.”

That has the pilot laughing. “No, don’t worry. I was scouting. We might have destroyed Starkiller Base, but the First Order is still going strong and they know where our base is now. They’re currently regrouping, but we don’t know for how long, so everyone is preparing to leave this place. We’re just still at preparations. Which reminds me...” Poe moves a little closer and there is a shine in his dark eyes. “This is your victory, Finn. Without you, we would have never gotten past it’s shields...none of us would still be here if it hadn’t been for you helping us. You did a great job.”

There is heat collecting in Finn’s cheeks and for a moment he can’t hold Poe’s gaze, so he averts his eyes until Poe leans back to give him some space. “I don’t even know what happened”, he says, quietly. “I mean, we found Phasma and-“ At the memory his lips split into a grin. “And we...convinced her to _help_ us, but I don’t know what happened after...” He doesn’t end his sentence, unsure how to word it. After Han was killed? After he fought Kylo Ren, set to defend Rey at all costs, angry beyond belief at the man that had hurt her, had hurt Poe, belonged to the organization that had trained Finn since he had been a child?

Poe, realizing that Finn is slipping towards memories he might be uncomfortable with, takes over. “Well, lucky for you, I am here”, he says and then he starts retelling the events of the fighter attack, helpfully illustrated by the movements of his hands and the noises BB-8 makes in agreement and excitement. Finn listens quietly as Poe lays out how close it had gotten, how they would have failed if it had just taken any longer and he recounts, not without pride, how he had pushed forward into the base to destroy it from the inside, just before he once again clarifies that none of this would have been possible without Finn’s help.

In the end though, he obviously can’t help his curiosity. “Rey says you got hurt by a lightsaber”, he tries carefully, obviously unsure whether he is allowed to breach the topic or not.

Finn grimaces. “I did. Kylo Ren got me when we were fighting, and...” When he notices Poe’s expression, he can’t help the sense of pride swelling in him.

“You were fighting Kylo Ren?” Poe sounds amazed. Apparently, Rey did not inform him about this part. Either that, or he is an incredibly good actor.

Either way, Finn shifts a little in his bed. “Yeah. I mean obviously he got me in the end, but I put up a good fight, I’d say. And next time I’ll absolutely beat him. Honestly, isn’t he supposed to have trained with the Jedi or something? He really wasn’t that good.” He is bragging a little at this point, but he can feel the tension falling from his shoulders as he recounts the fight, with Poe hanging at his lips and looking genuinely entertained.

“I wish Rey didn’t have to take the lightsaber with her”, he says afterwards, sounding a little woeful. “I’d love to see a lightsaber fight. Next time you go against this guy I’ll better get to see it.”

Somehow, Finn doubts he will ever get to hold a lightsaber again, but he still plays along for Poe’s sake. “You’ll get a front row seat”, he promises. “And get to see how I’m giving him a new haircut.”

Poe laughs, the same cheery sound he already made when they were piloting the TIE-fighter together. Now, without the danger of being shot out of the sky, it sounds more relaxed, louder, and results in Finn’s own grin getting wider too.

“Well”, the pilot finally says when he finds his voice again, patting the bed. “First of all, you’ll need to get on your feet again. Then you can fight whoever you want, lightsaber or not.”

“That’s probably going to take a while still”, Finn sighs. “I mean, Thalia -the nurse-, she said I should probably take another few days before I try walking, so until then I don’t think I’ll be of much use. Or even after.”

“You aren’t allowed to leave bed at all?”, Poe asks, deflating a little. “I saw the chair and thought I could show you the base a little so you can get some fresh air, get out of the room, but...”

“What chair?” Finn shifts so he can look past Poe, only now noticing the hover chair next to the door. Thalia must have made good on her promise and brought it here while he was napping, because he can’t remember her coming in again. “Oh. I mean, she said I could use it, but I...”

But Poe is already up, pushing the chair towards the bed. “If you’re curious”, he says, “And tired of laying around, then we can check out the base together. Everything is kind of buzzing and a mess right now because we’re all expecting to leave any day now, but in case you still want to see it...”

Finn wants nothing more than to be able to leave the room, if he is being honest. Still... “How am I going to get into it?”

“I can lift you”, Poe offers without hesitation. He takes Finn’s silent look as a reason to reconsider though. “I mean, only if that is alright with you, of course. If you don’t want to, that’s totally fine.”

“No, that’s not it.” Finn leans forward, to look past Poe and at W33, but the droid doesn’t make any sound of protest. Finally, he nods. “Alright. Yeah. Let’s go for it.”

Poe flashes him a smile as he gets up, but he stops when he leans over Finn’s bed, one hand on the blanket. “Is this, uh...”

Finn has never seen Poe awkward before and it makes him feel awkward in return, especially because he catches the way the pilot’s eyes flicker over the covers and knowing full well what he’s wondering about. “It’s fine”, he says, quickly. “They gave me clothes. Though your jacket...” He hasn’t seen it ever since he woke up, but with the slash he received, it’s probably ruined for good.

“Don’t worry about it”, Poe says to his surprise. “You’ll get it back soon. In the meantime, we’ll find you something better to wear.”

He has pulled the blankets to the side and although Finn had assured Poe everything is fine, he now isn’t sure about it anymore. Poe at least keeps his eyes focused on Finn’s face as he slips one arm under his knees and the other under his back, and Finn appreciates it, but that doesn’t change that he can feel the skin of his calves pressing against the rough material of Poe’s jacket, or the way Poe’s arms flex under him – or the fact that, for a moment, he can feel Poe’s breath brush his cheeks.

Lifting him from the bed to the hover chair only takes a few seconds, but it feels longer than that.

He’s glad that, once he’s sitting, he has a chance to take a deep breath unwatched, because Poe has turned to grab one of blankets from the bed and then arrange it around Finn’s shoulders, effectively giving him the chance to cover up more. “I look like an old man”, Finn protests anyway, because he is touched by Poe’s care and humor seems like the best way to handle it.

“Nonsense”, Poe shoots back, sounding equally amused. “You look like you’re recovering. Besides, I don’t want you to get sick on top of this. Come on.”

He starts moving, giving W33-1S a small clap on the hull as he passes them. “Don’t worry, W33. I’ll get him back soon.”

The droid turns their head to the two men. “Have fun, Finn. Be careful”, they say, then the light turns off.

The hallways are full of people busy with various tasks – there is a lot of carrying and transporting going on. It’s clear that this is a base of people readying themselves to leave. Still most of them find the time to stop what they’re doing when Finn and Poe pass them, greeting both the Commander with a bright smile as well as Finn himself.

Almost everyone seems to know his name and Finn in turn feels almost bad that he recognizes no one. He knows, of course, that the short time he spent with the Resistance before his unconsciousness had not exactly been enough to learn names, but everyone meets him with such friendliness and respect that it feels more like old friends greeting him after being gone a long time.

By the time they reach Poe’s room, his head is swimming with strangers’ faces and Poe regards him with a grin. “I told you, everyone’s pretty excited to meet you. Without you bringing the shields down...”

There is a flash of guilt shooting through Finn’s chest. Poe doesn’t know that his first priority had been helping Rey, not the Resistance. No one here does. He doesn’t regret it -if he had to make the same decision again, he still would put Rey first- but it feels dishonest to be praised for it when the others don’t know the whole truth. “Bringing the shields down is not the only thing that was necessary to defeat the base”, he says, carefully.

“It wasn’t”, Poe agrees as he rummages through what Finn assumes is his shelf. “But the rest wouldn’t have been possible without your first step.” He turns back to his friend, a stack of clothing in his hands. “Here. We’re about the same size, so these should fit.”

“I can’t take more of your clothes”, Finn objects. “What are you going to wear?”

“Don’t worry, I have enough spares.” Gently, Poe places the clothes on Finn’s lap. “And you need something to wear. You can give them back to me once we find you other clothes, alright?”

There really isn’t a lot Finn can do about it right now, so he nods. Poe is right, he _does_ need clothes for now, something different than the white base clothes he has on right now. “Thanks. I promise I’ll give them back to you once I...” As he speaks his eyes wander to what must be Poe’s bed, given the location next to the shelving unit Poe took the clothes from – and the content on it speaks for that theory as well.

“Is that...that’s your jacket!”

Poe’s expression is one of bewilderment, as if he had dropped the piece of clothing there. “Oh, yeah. I mean, it’s _your_ jacket, but yes, it is. I would have brought it back sooner, but there was a lot to do, so I haven’t quite gotten around to finishing it up...”

“You’re fixing it?” Finn isn’t quite sure why he is surprised - when he had woken up without the jacket in the room he had thought that it was lost, destroyed in his fight with Kylo Ren. And even after Poe had told him he would get it back soon, he had not expected that the pilot would be the one fixing it.

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to. I was hoping to be done with it by the time you wake up, but here we are.” Catching Finn’s amazed look, Poe shakes his head. “It’s just ripped at the back. Honestly, it will be as good as new as soon as I’m done with it.”

BB-8 chimes in with a series of rapid, cheerful beeps and for a moment Poe seems flustered, shushing the droid. “It’s not that much work, really...”

“Thank you.” They are the first two words Finn is absolutely sure of as he speaks them. There is a lot going on, a lot to catch up to, but this gesture of friendship is something he can hold onto. Looking at the half-stitched jacket, he doesn’t feel quite as lost anymore. “Honestly, when I woke up and thought it was destroyed...” He trails off, unsure how to explain how attached he has gotten to the piece of clothing in such a short time.

Poe seems to understand. “I’m glad I can fix it”, he says. “But at the end of the day, it’s a piece of clothing. It’s not as important as you are.”

They’re both silent for a few seconds, but the long, drawn-out sound BB-8 makes keeps the silence from getting awkward.

“Right.” Poe coughs. “There were a few people that wanted to meet you, if you feel up for it. If it seems like too much for today you don’t have to, of course...”

Finn is quick to speak up. “No, I’d love to. If that’s okay. Everyone seemed really busy...” But he’d prefer anything to returning to the room where his only company is an old droid, no matter how nice they are.

“They will have time for you”, Poe assures him, smiling as he puts his hand against the back of Finn’s hover chair for a moment. “In fact, they’ve been very excited to meet you.”

That seems to apply to most people here, if Finn is to believe what he’s being told.

They leave the jacket on the bed with Poe assuring him once more that he’ll get it back as soon as possible and looking temporarily insulted as Finn jokingly tells him he could just let someone else fix it. Their steps -or in Finn’s case, his hover chair- take them through the hallways and by now there are certain areas Finn is starting to recognize – he knows if he’d turn left here, he’d reach the room where they all had been standing around a hologram of Starkiller Base, trying to come up with a plan, and he recognizes the general direction Poe takes as leading them outside.

Still, he is glad the pilot is there to lead the way. There are too many doors and too many paths that seem unfamiliar and he wouldn’t know who else to ask for direction.

It turns out that Poe leads him to the hangar, where the X-Wings are located that are not currently scheduled for use.

Somehow, Finn feels like he should have seen that coming. “More pilots, huh?”, he asks, giving Poe an amused look.

The other looks almost bashful. “I wanted to introduce you to my squad”, he says as he directs them towards two other pilots, standing together in conversation. Finn has seen both of them before, in passing, for a split second in the chaos of preparing for their attack.

When they approach, the two pilots look up, both grinning at the sight of Poe with Finn. “Oh, so is that the reason why you ran off so quickly?”, asks the blonde woman. Her eyes go from Finn back to Poe, her eyebrows rising almost to her hairline.

Poe coughs. “Finn”, he says, pointedly. “These are my squad members. The loud one is Karé and this guy here is called Temmin and they both have _great_ respect for their leader...”

Temmin makes a sound somewhere between “Uhhh” and “Mmm”. Karé outright shakes her head.

“Hey”, Finn says, immediately at ease, and leans forward to offer his hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Finn.”

“Yeah”, Karé replies, shaking his hand with a firm grip. “We figured. Poe has been talking about you a lot.”

“They’re not the entire team, of course”, Poe continues, unaffected. “But the rest is out on their own missions right now and I’m sure you’ll meet them in time...”

“That was really great of you, helping us out like that.” It’s Temmin’s turn to shake Finn’s hand. “We know you’re the one that brought BB-8 back here, helped with the shields...honestly, this feels like the first real chance we have had ever since this whole thing started.”

BB-8, next to Finn’s chair, looks up at hearing their name mentioned and gives a proud little whistle. Whether it’s because they had kept the map safe or because they are proud of Finn bringing them here, he can’t tell.

“And, of course, for saving our brave leader.” Karé winks at Finn, before laying one hand on Poe’s arm. “Without him we wouldn’t know what to do.”

Her tone is teasing, but there is a warmth behind it that reveals that she is actually being truthful. How much she cares. The way the three look at each other reminds Finn of himself and Rey – like they would try to save each other no matter what.

Like family.

“Har har”, Poe says, but he pats her shoulder in return. “I can’t believe you’re making me look bad in front of our guest.”

Karé laughs. “No. That’s all you.”

“You know what, Finn.” Poe speaks louder than he has to, doing a dramatic half-turn. “This was a _horrible_ idea. I can’t believe I would introduce you to these guys.”

“Oh, no, please. I like them.” It’s so easy to fall into the banter, to grin at Poe’s little fake and hopeless headshake and his small sigh as the other two pilots laugh.

As it turns out, not only have Karé and Temmin heard of his feats, they’re also still incredibly interested in learning about the details, something Poe apparently has decided should be Finn’s tale to tell.

Finn finds himself thankful for it – not only because it gives him something to talk about, but also because he gets the feeling that Poe, unsure which parts of these stories Finn would be alright with sharing, has simply held back on them until Finn is there to decide for himself.

The two pilots, in turn, tell Finn about some of the missions they had flown in the past, both with the squad and without it, making fun of their squad members in one sentence, then praising them in the next one.

It’s the kind of easy comradeship that Finn had been craving from his own team members for the past few years and he enjoys being a part of it temporarily.

Until Temmin comes back to their victory over Starkiller Base. “I mean, with the Starkiller gone and a former Stormtrooper with us now, there’s finally some real chance for us.”

The statement makes Finn freeze. He’s not sure where Temmin gets the idea from that he will continue to fight with them, or if he is the only one that thinks this way.

Is that what they’re expecting from him? That he’s here to give them the upper hand with insider knowledge?

Is that what Poe expects from him, too?

“I’m sorry.” His hands tighten around the clothes he has been holding on his lap the entire time. “I’m getting really tired. It’s only been a bit since I’ve woken up, so I’m not really back to my old self yet...”

“Oh, Maker.” Both Karé and Temmin look genuinely worried and a little embarrassed for not thinking about it themselves. “Don’t worry about it”, the blonde assures him. “You go and get some rest so you can be back on your feet soon.”

“I’ll bring you to your room”, Poe offers, earning smirks from his squad members.

Finn, on the other hand, is a little worried. “You really don’t have to, I’m sure there is so much you have to do...”

“Finn.” Poe’s voice is soft and a little confused, as if he’s not sure why the other is suddenly so evasive. “How are you going to get back on your bed? It’s no trouble, really...”

It’s hard to argue with that logic, given that Finn doesn’t know who else to ask. Of course, he could call someone from the nurse staff, but he doubts Thalia is strong enough to lift him and he doesn’t want to ask a stranger.

“Alright.” Turning back to Karé and Temmin, he gives both of them a smile, trying to mask any insecurity. “It was really great meeting you.”

“Likewise.” Temmin offers him a smile. “We’ll see you soon.”

“Good luck with your recovery”, Karé says, giving him a small wave.

As Finn leaves the hangar with Poe, he turns his head one last time only to catch Karé, clearly upset, talking to Temmin and slapping his arm.

On the way back to his room, Finn falls into silence. Everyone here is so friendly to him, so dedicated. They all believe in the cause, in fighting the First Order – he can feel it when they talk. But deep down in his heart he knows that he is not one of them. He’s not a rebel, not a fighter. When he thinks of the First Order he feels none of that conviction.

All he feels is anger, for the years that have been stolen from him. Anger and fear.

“Are you alright?” Poe’s voice seems far off and Finn blink, his mind returning to the present and looking up at the pilot. There is obvious worry etched into his face. Absent-mindedly Finn notices that Poe is holding the door to his room open for him.

For a moment, he swallows around the words he wants to say. “It was nice...meeting your team”, he finally says. “They seem great.”

As he glides through the door, Poe is silent, waiting for him to continue. An unspoken question hangs between them.

Looking down at the clothes still in his lap, Finn strokes over them with his thumb, thinking back to the half-fixed jacket on Poe’s bed. Then he thinks about Rey, far away on some secret planet, training with Luke Skywalker. She is safe now and that is all he wanted, right? All he returned for. “I don’t think I belong here”, he says.

He doesn’t belong anywhere, taken from his place in the universe before he ever had the chance to call it home.

When he turns around, Poe regards him quietly.

“Look”, he says, anxiety clenching his heart. He remembers the disappointment on Rey's face when he told her he was leaving. He's not sure if he can take that look from Poe, too. “I never would have dreamed to help you guys achieve a victory like this. And I’m not going to lie, it felt really good and I am so glad everyone is alright and safe, but I can’t...I can’t stay here and wait for them to come back. And Rey is gone and I...I know you think I’m running away or I’m some sort of coward, but...”

“Finn. Finn!” Poe interrupts, pulling the chair at Finn’s bedside closer so he can sit down and see eye to eye with him. “I’m not thinking any of that.”

When Finn blinks in slow surprise, Poe gives him a small smile.

“You’ve been in this war longer than any of us”, he says, reaching out until his hand covers Finn’s in a reassuring gesture. “No one has dealt with the First Order as long as you, not even the General. Certainly not me. There’s nothing wrong with taking care of yourself eventually.”

Finn doesn’t know what he expected to hear, but it’s certainly not this. He has been fully prepared to feel torn over this decision, not for Poe to encourage him like this. “You don’t think I’m running away?”

“When it counted, you ran towards the First Order, not away from it”, Poe reminds him. “So, no. I think you’re very brave and I think you’re human and there’s only so much any of us can carry.”

For a while, Finn thinks on this. Finally, he turns his hand under Poe’s until their palms barely graze each other. There is a reassurance in this touch that he has been seeking, a gentleness that has been denied to him until a few days ago. This, he thinks, he likes best about being free.

“It’s not like I’m going to vanish in the galaxy”, he says, unsure who he is trying to reassure with this – Poe or himself.

Either way, Poe gives him a smile in return, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes this time, and they sit in silence for a bit. Even BB-8 is uncharacteristically quiet.

“Look”, Poe finally says. “I’ll be honest with you. I fully understand that you want to leave and anyone that disagrees you can send to me, but...you will probably have to be patient a little longer. We’re leaving any day now, so in this chaos I don’t think any of the pilots can be of any help right now, myself included. And you’re still recovering.”

“Well.” Finn’s lips twitch with sarcasm. “I didn’t think I could leave the planet on this chair, if we’re being totally honest here.”

That at least brings the grin back to Poe’s face, albeit temporarily. “Alright. So, what makes the most sense probably is if you stay with us until you’re fully recovered and we have settled at the new Resistance base. And I promise you, as soon as that has happened I’ll organize you a suitable transport to bring you wherever you want to go. Somewhere, where the First Order will never find you.”

Finn is not so sure if that truly is possible. Sure, for now the arm of the First Order isn’t that long, but in his mind it is a black hole, constantly growing. The thought alone is enough to make him feel uneasy. “Sounds good”, he gets out, pulling his hand back into his lap.

Poe makes no attempt of stopping him – he takes it as a sign that the conversation is over and gets up, knocking against the back of his chair. “Alright. I can show you around some more tomorrow if you want, and...” BB-8’s whistling interrupts him and he blinks at the droid, before a realization dawns on his face. “Right! Rey’s message! I completely forgot about that, you must be dying to see it...”

If Finn is being honest then he forgot it about it too for the few minutes he sat in comfort together with Poe.

“I’ll help you back on the bed”, Poe suggests, reaching out a hand to take the clothes and put it on the small table next to the bed, before turning again, this time to pick up Finn. It feels less awkward this time around, though maybe Finn’s thoughts are just too occupied to pick up on it, and once Poe has carefully put him back into the bed, the pilot makes sure he’s comfortable and covered, giving the silent medical droid in the room a quick look as if he’s worried they might scold him.

When that doesn’t happen, Poe gives Finn’s shoulder a light pat. “Alright, pal. I’ll see you tomorrow?” He says it like a question, as if he’s not sure Finn will be in the mood to see him again after the revelation that he still plans on leaving.

But Finn nods. “Until tomorrow.”

He watches his friend leave before he relaxes back into his bed, taking a deep breath. With Poe now gone, the feeling of being truly alone in the universe comes back to him. This time, though, he knows it to be a lie – Poe cares for his wellbeing and Rey has not forgotten him before she left.

With a smile, he turns to his side so he can look at BB-8. “Alright, BB. I’m ready now.”

The droid whistles, then tilts their head up to display the recording in the air. The blue shimmering light flickers, and then forms into features that Finn would know by heart despite the short time they have known each other.

Rey is smiling, but she looks worried underneath that smile and seems to struggle for words. “Hey, Finn”, she says, finally. “When you’re seeing this, I’ll probably be away already. I’m not really supposed to talk about it, but...” The recording of Rey looks around, then drops her voice. “I’m going to find Luke Skywalker.” Her eyes light up at the name, before she looks more serious again. “I wish you could come with me, but the nurses say you will need some time to recover, and I have to be quick. But I just want you to know that...I will never forget what you did for me. And I miss you already, and...” She raises a hand, quickly wiping at her cheeks even though they appear to be dry. “I promise, I will come back for you too. Please let me know when you woke up.”

The recording turns off, BB-8 giving a whistling sigh, then turning to look at Finn. It seems like the small droid misses Rey as well.

“Yeah”, Finn says. “Me too, buddy.” He wonders what Rey is doing now. If she already arrived at her goal, if she already met Luke Skywalker. He has to admit, he would have loved to meet him himself, but more than that, he would have wanted to go with Rey.

But it seems that she has decided to join the fight and he can’t help the uneasy feeling that leaves in the pit of his stomach. More than anything, though, it helps to know that she misses him as well.

“Thanks for holding on to this”, he tells BB-8, letting one hand fall off the bed and the droid rolls over to him to nuzzle into it with a mixture of pleased and proud noises. “And tell Poe a good night, alright?”

As BB-8 leaves the room, it falls quiet once more.

With the droid gone, Finn’s mind wanders back to Rey, so many lightyears away now. At least there, the First Order would never find her. Then he thinks of the members of the Resistance, all ready for the First Order to show up, willing to do the right thing.

Shifting again, he stares at the ceiling, starting to count the minutes until Poe will be back to talk to him. He’s feeling exhausted after the day, but he also remembers the dream he woke from, not in detail but as a vague threat looming over him in the dark. He doesn’t want to go to sleep.

“Hey W33-1S”, he says, turning his head.

The droid’s sensor lights up, illuminating the room with its calming blue. “Welcome back, Finn. How can I help you?”

“You have data on the Resistance members, right? Could I see it?”

W33-1S makes an apologetic sound. “I am afraid medical files are strictly confidential and not to be seen by anyone that is not either medical staff or the person in question.”

That is not what Finn is after anyway. “Alright, but what about just the names and a picture? I just want to learn who I’m talking to. Please?”

The droid is quiet for a bit. Then they raise their screen once more while driving closer to Finn’s bed to give him the possibility of scrolling through the list they’re displaying on his own.


End file.
